They are often imprisoned by their fears, not only as they pertain to deciding whether to stay in or leave their marriages, but in all areas of their lives. These people will more likely stay small, unhappy, and unfulfilled with the thought that they will remain safe. Action-based people have the opposite view of the world. When they set their sights on a goal, they see what opportunities and benefits might come from moving forward.
These people are more willing to take risks and go for what they want. They will also less likely settle for less than what they believe they deserve. Of course, you can be partially both fear- and action-based, but whichever mode is dominant will usually win the arguments in your mind about whether to stay or go.
The good news is that these aspects are not necessarily set in stone. If you are primarily a fear-based person but would rather be action-based, you can push through your fears and accomplish your goals. Most people need some training or support to make these changes, but it is an alteration that anyone can make. In addition to examining fear-avoidant versus goal-oriented behaviors in the decision-making process, I look at whose needs are driving the decision. In a decision as big as whether or not to stay married, it is imperative that you consider the possible ramifications your leaving may have on others, but you must also balance that with your own needs.
Where I see people go wrong in such a decision is when they forgo their own needs and focus primarily on meeting the needs of their spouses or children, or, on the contrary, they consider only their own needs and ignore the potential impact on their children and spouses. I've had countless clients tell me that they don't want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co- parenting relationship or their spouse's income, only eventually to realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities.
The spouse doesn't contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.
On awakening to this fact and confirming that they had done everything possible to improve their relationships, most of these clients immediately filed the divorce paperwork. And for almost all of these folks, letting go of the unhealthy relationship was the best decision they'd ever made. Rather than becoming harder, life actually got much easier, because they no longer had the added burden of taking care of the people who were supposed to be their partners or dealing with the many negative emotions their spouses elicited from them.
What they had feared prior to taking action never manifested. They realized that they had postponed their own fulfillment and happiness for months, sometimes years. There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable. There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will ever be healthy or fulfilling.
I call these the workability factors. If both parties are willing to put in the work that the marriage requires, the chances of the problems and issues being resolved increase dramatically. However, even when both spouses want the marriage to last, there are some situations that lack enough of the necessary ingredients to keep it afloat. The marital hierarchy of needs consists of five levels of needs: survival, safety, love, esteem, and actualization. The workability factors are really only pertinent to the three middle-level needs -- safety, love, and esteem needs -- because if a marriage has descended to survival mode, it is, by definition, not a workable situation.
On the other hand, if a marriage operates at the actualization level, it is a highly functioning marriage, whose lower-level needs are met. The following figures further outline these needs to demonstrate what must be present for the marriage to work. Each chart describes workable and unworkable scenarios in a marriage, as well as what intervention would be needed to transform an unworkable situation into one that can work. Absence of mutual love, Infidelity , No shared interests, One or both are not fully committed to the marriage. I have been married for almost 4 years, me and my husband went from meeting to married in 4 months In the first year we had fights, it got out of hand stuff was said and done that hurt both of us, but e worked on it.
And so every year was n few fight and breaking stuff and moving out ect. Im not a angel and have my faults, and he has to, its just the things that he say, like i wish i never met you or i want a divorce or move out, bad mouthing me, is just getting to me, if he does hurt me, the next day i get a sorry but it keeps happening I just feel cold, dont want to go through this shit anymore.
Hello, this weekend is pleasant for me, as this occasion i am reading this wonderful informative piece of writing here at my home. That sounds like my marriage, only without the breaking stuff and moving out We were married within 2. Going on 9 years of marriage. We also fought, even once before we got married!! He told me "I'm not sure I want to know you anymore" then the next day acted like that had never happened and we continued to make plans for him to meet my family. I guess I was relieved at the time, and was glad he wanted to stay together. That pattern continues, with him threatening divorce, telling me to fuck off, and saying other horrible things to me, then, boom next day he acts all lovey dovey.
I can't take it anymore. I don't know how to get out, I don't want our kids to go through a divorce, but I can't live through this madness anymore. I never know when something I might say will tip him off and he'll start blowing up on me. I used to yell back My family was leery about him from the beginning, and I have been wanting to prove them wrong all these years, but it just keeps getting worse I am ashamed to get divorced, because I don't want to feel an air of "i told you so" from anyone. I have always wanted that marriage that lasts forever, but not like this. He refuses therapy, and says if I just wouldn't do stuff to make him mad, he wouldn't have to say the things he does to me.
I know that's not right I find myself wishing he would get in a car wreck or pass away terrible I know , just so I don't have to deal with him anymore. Even if we divorce, he has the potential to make things miserable. Up until recently, I could still find that deep love that I had for him I feel numb and nearly empty toward him. He makes me feel like I am crazy But, if I don't say it back right now, it will start a fight. If we didn't have children together, there's no way I'd still be with him. I can really relate to many of the things that you are going through. My spouse and I were married within 6 months of meeting each other.
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When we first met, he was so sweet and the perfect gentleman. As soon as we got back from our honeymoon, the mask came off and he yelled at me and put me down for the first time. It has continually happened. I have found myself hoping something would happen to him as well as I just want to be done with the situation. He often runs his mouth about violence and how he will destroy everything or burn everything down to evoke fear. I don't understand it. The only difference in our situations, well a couple, but the main one is that I'm the one that typically says I can't do it anymore and that I'm done.
I can only imagine how hurtful that is to hear. He's the person "that cares about me the most". I think we got married too soon. We didn't know each other fully and for that, I regret. But everything we go through makes us who we are. You have to learn what you want to deal with, what you deserve and what's best for everyone involved. I do know that life is short. If you don't think that you are safe, emotionally healthy, do what you need to do. You have to look out for you, your kids and any possible pets that you might have. Breaking stuff is abusive and you do not deserve to live that way.
Plus, you don't want your kids being around that. They will grow up thinking that's an acceptable way to treat their spouse. I'm no expert but I did want you to know I'm in the same miserable situation. You sound very well balanced and grounded! That's rare today. You had one line in there that really hit me that says a lot. He's the person that cares about me the most that's powerful, however makes your decisions more difficult. You sound pretty savvy, I hope things work out for both of you. You haven't really lived until you've been through one of those!
No truer words. By allowing whatever it is to begin with is where it ALL begins. Once we've accepted these kinds of behaviors from the start line we're doomed. Chances of being able to initiate a change in that person more than likely will fail because if they were the kind of person whose willing to change it, then they would have NEVER done it to begin WITH. After a few more years you will have no more love for him.
Divorce is Not the Answer - MomLife Today
My advice - take your children and leave. If you have daughters what will happen is they will meet someone and that person will talk to them the same way he is talking to you. Your daughter will think it is normal because her father talks that way to you. That is exactly what happen to my daughter and it broke my heart. If you have boys, they will mistreat their girlfriend or wife the same way their father is treating you because they will think it is the norm.
That is exactly what my son did. That broke my heart more. I've been doing this for 28 years and have regretted every waking moment that I met him and wish i could redo my life. He tells me at least once a week to fuck off. Drinks everyday. He is disabled. Does not work. I don't know what to do. We have two kids. They have told me over and over to leave their dad. My family does not like him. Why do I stay? Never should have married. My husband was cheating on me the entire first 7 months of our relationship.
He only "stopped" when I found out. I took him back and married him a year later. He definitely married up. I am attractive and educated. He is educated but not a catch by any means looks wise. I can't even believe I'm saying that but he shows me he loathes my very existence everyday that it has come to this. I can support myself but my grown daughters love this asshole; even though he has treated them shitty too it's better than their dad. I don't want another divorce. But he disrespects me in front of his kids on a daily basis. He makes me question my sanity.
I lived this before. I'm dying inside. Well, first off I'd like to meet the guy with the dud relationship, lol! Second, for the girl married 4 horrible sounding years, if you don't want to go through this shit any more, it's simple I really need some help, I have been in a realationship for just over a year and a half and have been married for about 2months.
I have 2 children to my previous partner. I stay with him because he financially supports us, because he offers me and my children security and safety and because my children need a dad in their lives because their real father has walked away I feel so unhappy in our relationship when I think about spending the rest of my life with him I feel so stressed, we are very very different, and the thought of being with him forever just seems so boring to me.
I want to be with someone who I deeply love, who I can be intimate with, who shares some of my interests, someone who is passionate and exciting. This honestly is so confusing. I have asked for councelling but its hard because I cant afford it. I have left the church and no longer wish to be a part of it, and my husband absolutely loves it and it makes me sick.
I don't like the sound of his voice anymore neither do I want to talk to him anymore, I have tried communicating with him about how I feel but he burries his head in the sand and I think he believes everything will magically disappear, but it wont.. I fear a lot of things and sometimes I stay because its safe with him, but I want to leave to because I only have one life and thinking that I could be here forever and miss out on a passionate and loving relationship makes me upset.
Hi there, I am a mother and have been in your exact shoes. I have three beautiful children and would never want to see them hurt. However i have stayed in my relationship for 14 years. It at times seems unbearable and at times seems fine. It is important to realize life isn't made to be a bowl of cherries.
The grass always seems greener on the other side I have made it possible to reconnect with my husband when all hope is lost. I continue over the years to fall in and out of love with him without actually leaving. I many times suffer in silence ,many times the sex is strained but I refuse to give up. Do you know why? Because he loves my children whole heartily. When I see them play ,laugh and cuddle its priceless. It is a hard world out there. Give your Husband a chance. Not many times do you come across a man who accepts your children as his own. Remember what he did to make you fall for him.
I promise it will be worth it.
- Divorce is Not the Answer.
- The International Handbook of Collaborative Learning (Educational Psychology Handbook).
- 6 Questions to ask before getting a Divorce | Dave Willis.
- Introduction To Magical Creatures: Mermaids, Unicorns, & Fairies.
- How Do You Know If You Should Stay or Go | Psychology Today.
- Mickey Spillane on Screen: A Complete Study of the Television and Film Adaptations!
- Does it matter who files for divorce first?.
Marriages aren't easy. Date nights are a must, common interest are too. Find a church you both like so you can discuss the sermons. Find silly tv series and just flat out make time to respect him. Never mind his mother. Don't tell him your falling out of love with him , ask him " how can I love you more? I fall back in love with my husband.
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Life is all about perspective. Enjoy your treasures you have healthy children ,loving husband and a second chance at a beautiful family life. Many blessing ands don't forget to spoil yourself once in awhile. Much Aloha always. I am so tired of seeing one person told to work on the relationship when it takes both people.
Why can't he ask her "how can I love you more"? The man I am with does not fulfill my safety needs however I cannot find it in myself to leave him. I have the means to leave but when I seriously think about it I just cry and stay. I am not sure what is prompting me to stay; I do not see a future with him, he doesn't show concern or care for me, and I can visualize myself being better off.
The only thing I can think of is that I am almost equally sure that every other man will disappoint me somehow so what's the point in trying all over again? If anyone has any comments or suggestions, I am all ears. My friends say there are good guys out there, but I haven't seen one or I am not attracted to the men that are overly interested in me. I find myself looking up "how to start a new life" over and over again in Google but I can't bring myself to change.
Please help. Iv been with my partner for 10 yrs. Married for 5. Have 2 children with him. He's a great dad and provides well. Just been on my mind for month's now that I'm not interested in him any more. Sex is rare but feels like a duty not a pleasure. I'm very board, also concerned about how splitting up would affect our children, also were we would live etc.
He's a good man but don't have feelings for him anymore. I often image me being single. What to do? My husband of 6 yrs confesses that the reason we have been having such a hard time being loving and inimate these past yrs is that be doesn't find me attractive anymore, or not in the same way he did when we first met 10 yrs ago He says its multiple reasons from my weight to my personality and etc. I am so hurt my his honesty and so confused on what to do. I'm tired of him and his impossible standards of "sexy" I have gained weight but we were 18 when we met and now with one kid and 2 college degrees later i don't think 25lbs more could really turn a man off that much could it?
What should I do now that I know the real reason to why he never wants to be intimate with me. I am just lost on what I should do. I am a young confident woman who does get dressed up and wears makeup and likes to be sexy and have fun and men do hit on me when I am out but I only want my husband who doesnt even care to touch me any longer. What do I do? Ummm lose about 25 pounds then lol. Men are visual creatures if you lose the weight you will find him romancing you more.
If not by all means remain a "strong" woman and dont and see the relationship fall apart. It is after all pretty simple. Horrible advice. If he only "loves" you when you weigh or look a certain way, he is not worth it! That sets a really dangerous precedent, especially if you are at a healthy weight. A true love loves you for who you are and not just what you look like. If it were true that all you had to do is lose about 25 pounds, then I would not be able to keep him off me; I am a size two, and repeatedly told I am beautiful, even at I don't even remember what it's like to have sex.
I accidentally married an undiagnosed Asperger and diagnosed ADHD man, who kept it a secret for 8 years of marriage. What a miserable life it's been with a miserable man. Definitely time for me to end this. I don't even remember what romance is or even a meal at a table together, let alone sex. Yeah, there might be another 25 lbs there, but after pregnancy, that is not unusual. If your husband is a gym-rat type, and really values his own physical fitness, I have known other guys that want the same value shown by a spouse. And I have known many athletic women who only associate with the most fit of the athletic men.
What do you and your husband have in common? More of a focus on other common interests may engage him more. I am well over 50 yo, but all men I know truly love women who are more "proactive" in their romantic gestures, yes, even in long standing relationships. Best of everything! I am in need of some guidance and direction. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together for 6 total. I believe him to be bipolar but he won't go to the doctor. He is extremely selfish. And only goes out with the family or takes me out if it benefits him.
I have a disease that made me overweight and that's why he has never let me meet his friends still to this day. And I'm really hurt and have terrible anxiety. He has anger problems but isn't physical. Just lashes out and threatens to leave me and the kids if I make a mistake such as not getting him the right ranch, or not cleaning enough. I'm frustrated because my family says to leave him they've lost respect for him, I see hope but at the same time I see the door to leaving him.
But some marriages do not progress toward that ideal. He permits divorced persons to marry again without the stain of immorality specified in the higher law. Unless a divorced member has committed serious transgressions, he or she can become eligible for a temple recommend under the same worthiness standards that apply to other members. There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them.
Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it. I saw examples of this in the Philippines. Two days after their temple marriage, a husband deserted his young wife and has not been heard from for over 10 years. A married woman fled and obtained a divorce in another country, but her husband, who remained behind, is still married in the eyes of the Philippine law. Since there is no provision for divorce in that country, these innocent victims of desertion have no way to end their married status and go forward with their lives.
We know that some look back on their divorces with regret at their own partial or predominant fault in the breakup. All who have been through divorce know the pain and need the healing power and hope that come from the Atonement. That healing power and that hope are there for them and also for their children. Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce.
I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage, because family instability decreases parental investment in children.
A couple with serious marriage problems should see their bishop. Bishops do not counsel members to divorce, but they can help members with the consequences of their decisions. Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them.
We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us. Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages. They should be partners in family finances, working together to regulate their desires for temporal things. Of course, there can be times when one spouse falls short and the other is wounded and feels pain.
When that happens, the one who is wronged should balance current disappointments against the good of the past and the brighter prospects of the future. Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs as President Faust has just taught us so beautifully , to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships. If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement.
Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.
- When God's Answer is Not What We Expected - Divorce and Remarriage Help;
- Adultery or Divorce—Is There a Right Answer? | Psychology Today.
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- Marriage is a covenant.
Consider these observations of a wise bishop with extensive experience in counseling members with marriage problems. Speaking of those who eventually divorced, he said:.
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